Eulogy to Martyred Squirrels

Thousands of American squirrels have been martyred in the effort to deprive the humans of electricity. In fact, humans recently recognized that squirrels cause more electrical outages than lightening. Electricity is that substance that mysteriously flows through cords both inside the human houses and outside, strung from poll to poll outside. Electricity is used as an invisible means to restrict the free range of pets and animals of all species. It is the ingredient in the new “invisible fences” as well as in the collars which buzz and deliver severe pain at the whim of some human wielding a “controller.” Farm animals and zoo animals which innocently bump up against their cages or the pastures in which they are incarcerated have been known to experience the same sort of sudden shocking pain. Humans find other reasons to channel electricity into their houses– it powers the television, which is a known cause for the loss of human interest in going for walks. Electricity also enables the roar of the dreaded vacuum cleaner. The squirrels who have accepted the suicide mission to bite through electrical wires are true martyrs. More than 16,750 squirrels died during 2006 in Georgia alone in the courageous attempt to deprive humans of electricity. They were brave and talented beasts indeed. They should be memorialized and eulogized.

Painted Fish and Felines

A recent human trend defaces the natural beauty of certain fish with the injected dyes of a tattoo. Unfortunately, there have been some fish fatalities as a result. Probably the humans don’t think it of any consequence since these fish can be replaced at various pet stores for only a few dollars. For the fish, on the other hand, the human intervention may not only cause pain, suffering, and the equivalent of a bad hair- should I say bad scale- day, it may mess with the message being emitted to prospective mates. I thought this was the epitome of human insensitivity to us animals until I became aware of the content of a certain forwarded email showing photographs of painted cats!!! These sorry looking felines matched their human captors- one cat was painted in a navy blue and green tartan plaid design to match a man's kilt; one had a clown painted up its butt underneath its proudly swaying tail. Another was painted to look like a peacock feather- talk about gender confusion- this is appalling! It seems to be a phenomenon most commonly associated with the human species. The unfortunate truth is that since humans have the most flexible abilities and the most devious/deviant motives, no animal species is guaranteed safety if it pleases the humans and if they have the funds required. Painting a cat, according to this email, costs a mere $15,000 and lasts only three months before needing to be repeated.